Sitting here looking over other people’s photos on instagram, seeing their wonderful times together and the feelings begin to creep in. I enjoy seeing what other people do, I enjoy seeing those I love having a good time, but some days I start to feel like I am always the one on the outside looking in.
Today I sat and looked and the pity party began, “look at these people, they aren’t just posting these photos, they are having all these fun conversations back and forth, look at you, you don’t even have photos, you don’t have friendships like that anymore.”
Right around that moment I got a random text from one of my friends. This text said “I love you.” In my state of mind I instantly thought, “this must be meant for someone else. Couldn’t be me, we weren’t even talking.” But I cried. I knew it was true even if in that moment she hadn’t been thinking of me. I know the truth. I know I am very blessed, more than many others, with some very deep friendships.
I had to make a choice, I had to stop and choose not to allow the pity party to undo any of the truths that my heart was fighting against. I had to say, “regardless if that text was originally meant for me or not I need to change the way I am thinking or I will just convince myself that no one loves me.” So I did. Turns out the text was meant for me, which blessed me, but I knew God had her send it to me at that time to get my attention.
I have photos, I have memories. I even have photos on instagram, I just don’t post as many as my friends. I have friendships that are very precious and deep. I have experienced quite a few very painful trials with some friends, causing us to have a connection that only pain brings. I have had many many traveling experiences with other friends, causing us to have the comfortableness with each other that even silence can’t make awkward. I have been on trips to other countries with others giving us that unique experience of having seen had life changing experiences together. I have those friendships that began with simple laughter, the kind where pretty soon everything is funny. I have the friendships of those who just need to talk and come over and sit outside your bathroom because you are sick and in the tub, and just talk. I am extremely blessed in my friendships.
I doubt these truths at times because my friendships have changed over the years. Growing up I had one really close friend and a lot of other friends. My close friend I relied on for everything I needed friendship-wise and the rest were just there for fun. But marriage, moves, and realizing that you can’t put all that pressure on one person has adjusted our friendship. She is still one of my dearest friends but we don’t get to talk all that often and only see each other about once a year.
I have to get in there and redefine what I think friendship looks like. I need to realize that it is not about the one friend that I count on for everything, its not about the person that you hang out with exclusively, its about those people in your life that you love like family. The people you choose to laugh with. The people you choose to cry with. The people you turn to when you need to talk. The people you call when you have good news. The people who help you through the hard times and randomly text you saying they love you, just when you need it. That’s true friendship.